The Clayton’s apology
Image: National Sorry Day 2015 via PhotoPin (licence)
When we do the wrong thing, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we should apologise, particularly to any person we have harmed in some way.
Few people will argue with this in theory. But some apologies are not apologies.
Take for instance a Federal Government minister who recently made a joke about Pacific Island nations being inundated by rising sea levels due to global warming, not realising that a nearby microphone was switched on: ‘Time doesn’t mean anything when you’re about to have water lapping at your door’.
After the predictable media furore, the minister apologised: ‘I made a mistake, I apologise to anyone who has taken offence. It was a light-hearted discussion with the PM and I did not mean any offence to anyone’.
Why does this apology not ring true? Firstly, it calls the joke ‘a mistake’. A mistake is an unintentional action beyond your control: accidentally dialling a wrong number, slipping on a banana peel. Making an off joke is not a mistake. You chose those words. Making this joke next to a live microphone was definitely a mistake, but that’s not what the minister was ‘apologising’ for.
Secondly, ‘I apologise to anyone who has taken offence … I did not mean any offence to anyone’. This choice of the active voice for the other person, ‘who has taken offence’, shifts the blame onto those over-sensitive souls who take offence at the merest whiff of insult—it’s all their fault! If you are sincere, then take responsibility for your actions. Use the active voice about your own deeds: ‘I have offended people and I apologise for that’ or ‘I am sorry for making such a highly offensive comment’.
Thirdly, ‘It was a light-hearted discussion’. We hear this one a lot—code for ‘I thought it was funny; you should have too’. Many hurtful jokes, particularly those mocking personal attributes such as race or weight, get brushed off this way. A joke at someone else’s expense is rarely funny to that person.
So how should it be done? Geelong Football Club legend Billy Brownless was MC at a junior football club event in a pub recently, when a woman and her 18-year-old daughter walked past. Brownless announced: ‘here come the strippers’. The mother later commented: ‘I nearly tripped over I was so taken aback’.
Brownless apologised: ‘It was stupid. There’s no excuse for it. I have daughters of my own and I would be mortified and angry if anyone said such remarks about them. I am deeply sorry for what I said and the hurt I have caused’. Why does this sound more convincing than the previous example? Brownless put himself in the place of the woman and her daughter by mentioning his own daughters, and stated unequivocally that he had caused hurt, rather than vaguely implying this might be a possibility if someone chose to be over-sensitive.
People are surprisingly forgiving of wrongdoing, but you do have to throw yourself upon their mercy with a sincerely expressed apology and, often, a gesture or act of compensation. This also means running the risk that they will not accept your apology. So be it. In this situation, you can choose your words carefully but you cannot dictate the terms.
